I’m writing to you from my messy college dorm in St. Paul, MN. If you haven’t taken notice, I’m half way through the second half of my junior year here. It’s beginning to dawn on me how life truly begins to speed up the farther along we go.
Things have changed since the last time we’ve talked at length. If you’re the one writing the story, it feels like you've got me caught in a winter moment.
Right now, it’s just me sitting here in this messy college dorm of mine. The three of us in my dorm used to be tight, but it feels like we’ve all launched in different directions lately.
True, I’ve got my best friend kasey rose. I can’t overstate it when I say that she’s the greatest gift you’ve ever given me. But still, amidst a campus filled with several thousand people, I feel alone. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one.
The cupboards feel empty, and even as we’re turning the page to April the sun feels distant, & hope at best feels like it’s shining somewhere else.
My beloved is twenty-one now, and I’m not far after her. We’ll be getting married in two months.
Can you believe it, God?! I mean, I never thought you’d see the day when it was about to happen! But now it is! Unbelievable. You stuck to your promises. It’s just like you to do that, even if I don’t say that too often.
I’m not sure if I’m ready for marriage, though. Can anybody be ready at my age, God? I feel so immature, selfish, impatient, and frustrated with myself so often.
When I really—and I mean, really—think about what it means to become one with another person, it seems so intimate and self-demanding that I feel unworthy & shameful.
Anyways, I guess this is my attempt to tell you three things.
For one, everything in my life is not all right. It’s horribly fractured. My fault or not, I feel alienated from my family. I feel unworthy of Kasey. I feel unknown with my friends. I feel completely oblivious to my future.
I've heard that spirituality is an affair of the imagination. But aren't you the center of that? And how the heck am I s'posed to imagine you? Isn't that, like, illegal in kingdom law? I guess to even be able to ask you the question feels a little bit like home.
Sometimes I feel like I get lost in my mind, and it scares me that I’ll never know how to get all the way out and just be with you, with kasey, with my family, with my friends, and with the whole world around me.
But two, I’m all right with that. I know it doesn’t always have to fit together. Things don’t always have to make sense. If that’s my requirement for happiness, I know I’ll probably never be happy on this side.
And last, I’m OK with bumps, bruises, shoes untied, alfalfa hair, and sloppy joe stains on my Pokemon t-shirt as long as I still get to be your kid.
I don’t want much out of life, God. I don’t want millions. I don’t want big houses. I don’t want any car other than a Honda.
But I do want to be your kid.
And I’ll do my best to get better at trusting that you want to be my Dad, and in everything trying to live like a kid of the almighty Dad would.
Give me the strength & nerve it takes to repaint & repaint every day.
Love you Dad.
p.s. It'd be really great if the Twins won 80 games. Not 100. Not 90. Just 80. Not that I can bargain with you or anything. But still.